Thursday, January 22, 2009

Canadian Patch Industry "Flagging" Due To Obama Presidency

Despite indications that the suffering Canadian economy will emerge from its recession sometime in the latter half of this year, one industry appears to be on the brink of collapse with no hope in sight. For eight long years, the Bush Administration was a boon for Canadian flag patch production. American globetrotters, casual vacationers, and youth hostel enthusiasts bought Canadian flag patches in bulk, allowing the business to flourish in ways never before thought possible.

But ever since November 5th of last year, the industry has been hit hard and looks unable to recover.

"We were really pulling for a McCain/Palin victory, to tell you the truth," says Neil Vandermere, CEO of Maple Leaf Emblematiques, Canada's largest textile manufacturer of travel luggage accessories. "They would have been terrible for the world, of course, but it would have been really good for business."

In the wake of a stolen Presidential election, the squandering of the world's post-9/11 good will, and the illegal invasion and occupation of two Middle East countries, Americans were wary about world travel and eager to distance themselves from the troubling policies and deteriorating reputation of their home and native land. Whether it was unsafe to be an American abroad or just really embarrassing, fewer and fewer backpacks and duffle bags were adorned with the Stars & Stripes. In an attempt to be automatically identified as specifically "non-American," many travelers replaced their American flag patches with Canadian ones. The ruse was easy to keep up: speak English, talk about cold North American winters, denigrate the French, laud salmon and syrup. No one would suspect a thing. It was like being American, only with health care and without the imperialism.

"It was nearly impossible to get served in a bar or find a futon to crash on," recalls Rachel Price, a public relations director from Chicago, who spent the year after graduating college in 2003 traveling across Europe. "But as soon as I replaced the American flag on my LL Bean Phantom Sherpa 3000 Frame Pack with a Canadian one I bought in Prague, the absinthe just kept flowing. I also had a ton of unprotected sex."

It was a win-win situation for anti-Bush gadabouts and the Canadian flag patch industry. For a number of years, Maple Leaf donning Americans had it good. The dollar was strong and Tom Cochrane tapes were cheap. Europeans don't care too much for hockey, so difficult conversations rarely occurred.

"We'd never had it so good," reveals Jean Sebastien, inventory administrator at Montreal-based True North Banners, an online company specializing in embroidered flag patches. "With each new American gaffe, blunder, or scandal, our patches would fly off our shelves. Between WMD, Abu Ghraib, Scooter Libby and waterboarding, we couldn't restock fast enough. We'll miss the Bush years, that's for sure."

Shareholders in Canadian textiles have seen their stocks rise steadily over the past eight years. In early June of last year, shares hit their all time high when Hillary Clinton's Presidential bid came to an end. Analysts for the Canadian Stock Exchange anticipated an easy McCain victory in November and investors followed suit, pumping huge amounts of funding into making more and more Canadian flag patches. Though sales dropped off somewhat in the third fiscal quarter, they rebounded with the announcement of Sarah Palin as John McCain's running mate in early September. Once Joe the Plumber and Bill Ayers became stump speech staples, however, the growth projections began to look less and less viable.

"The American people's newfound belief in hope has hastened a change for our industry...and not in a good way," explains Sebastien.

Since Barack Obama's election, the need for Canadian flag patches has decreased significantly. "I guess there's just not the same demand anymore," explains Calgary Economist Adam Hawthorne. "The steps already taken to repair America's standing in the world signals the decline of feigned Canadian identity. We had a good run." While people who aren't American don't necessarily want to be, those that are appear to be less inclined to lie about it now that Obama's in the White House. With the new administration already moving hastily to restore civil liberties, human rights, the rule of law, and government transparency, it looks like its going to be a long, hard road ahead for companies like Emblematique and True North.

There have already been moves by the travel patch industry to request a substantial government bailout. Fears are mounting that if the Obama administration investigates past wrongdoing and actually prosecutes Bush officials (if not the former president and vice president themselves) for approving illegal wiretapping and authorizing torture, the industry may never bounce back as it faces bankruptcy, insolvency, and total liquidation.

"It's like people aren't ashamed of being American anymore. We didn't anticipate this. The only thing that'll turn this around for us is another illegal US attack on a foreign country," Vandermere says. "Some here are pulling for Iran, others have their fingers crossed for Venezuela."

"Maybe they'll bring back internment camps. That would be great for us."

*****

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Welcome.

There is really only one kind of person in the world, the misanthropic kind. There are varying degrees of misanthropy, sure, but it all comes back to one simple truth: everyone is an idiot and everyone is an asshole, and usually they’re both at the same time.

I am no different and neither are you. This is not because you necessarily do bad things or think bad thoughts or vote for bad people or don’t vote at all. This isn’t because you shop at KeyFood instead of Whole Foods or because you frequent Barnes & Noble instead of The Strand. You could be as green as Ed Begley Jr. or as orange as George Hamilton, it doesn’t matter. You’re a human being and you suck and you hate other people even though you may not think you do.

Allow me to explain…

You’re walking up the steps from the subway. You are not in any particular hurry, but you don’t like to waste your precious time all the same. You may be early to meet a friend or late for an appointment, but that doesn’t bother you at the moment because you are stuck behind the slowest fucking person on the face of the fucking earth and you can’t get around them to walk up the steps at your own, reasonable, non-stop motion, sloth-mating pace. This person must be dying or decomposing standing up because no one can possibly be this annoyingly slow. The pace of your stair blocker and current life ruiner is not simply lethargic or lackadaisical, this is deliberate. This person is an idiot because they don’t know how to ascend a flight of stairs in a considerate manner and an asshole because they are wasting your time, apparently on purpose. You reach the top of the steps, finally, and are relieved to find there is still some daylight left. You stick-and-move around your new-found opponent, and resume your regular pace, the pace of humans. You might huff a little, or not, and maybe it will all be forgotten by the time you decline your first yoga flyer on the corner, but nonetheless, you have encountered the worst of humanity and the worst has won.

Now, again, imagine you are walking up the steps from the subway. You are moving at an average clip, quite reasonable for someone in no particular hurry but who doesn’t like to dawdle. Behind you, a huffy figure jostles and accelerates to pass you, but is unable to. You feel their body surging upwards behind and under you, their disgusting, hot breath on the back of your neck, their shoes attacking your heels every now and again in a panicked dash, a desperate attempt, for the top. You wonder, this whole time, what the fuck the fucking rush is. Just relax, you fucking jerk, and we’ll all get to the top together. That’s where I’m going too, by the way. Chances are, in an all out sidewalk race, I’d smoke your ass and leave you panting in the dust. That’s efficiently I move from one place to the next, no wasted gestures or movements. I am progress, I am flux, I advance steadily. So calm the fuck down, you fucking bastard and get the fuck off my fucking feet.

And there you have it. There is no difference between “what’s the rush?” and “what’s the hold up?” except who is thinking it.

You’re an idiot and you’re an asshole. Simultaneously. But at least everyone else is too.

This is perspective. This is your life.

This is Café Select.